Check Out My New Cell Phone!

Just read an article on the "HBR Blog Network" titled "How to Really Listen"
http://blogs.hbr.org/bregman/2011/10/how-to-really-listen.html

Most of us know the polite way to respond when someone says, "Check out my new cell phone!" We ask for a demonstration of the cell phone and we ask about the cool new features. We know how to share and draw out the other person's excitement. We don't say the following:
"It's ok, that model's not that cool."
"Just wait until the next model comes out and you won't be this excited anymore."
"I got a new cell phone too! Look at mine!"

But when someone says, "I'm not looking forward to this day," we often stumble. We don't always share the other person's anxiety. We don't always ask for more information. We make several mistakes instead. We either try to minimize the problem ("it's not that bad, look at the bright side instead"), we try to fix it ("just talk to your boss,") or we distract things by sharing our own stories ("I'm not looking forward to this week either.") These responses are similar to the inappropriate cell phone responses listed above.

In other words, the right way to listen is to share the other person's anxiety and give them a chance to voice their concerns. Of course I'd rather see the latest hot phone than to talk about problems, especially if I'm part of the cause. I wouldn't be as excited about seeing a cheap, old, cell phone either. The secret here is to recognize that we already know how to listen under specific circumstances. We just need to take those good listening skills and apply them in more places!

Effective Paraphrasing

 Two simple things to keep in mind when paraphrasing: look for appropriate points in the conversation to paraphrase, and make sure you paraphrase accurately. This will make your paraphrasing more natural and appropriate.

Resonating With Your Own Story

In a movie, a good story resonates with the audience. With good listening, the speaker can resonate with his own story!

Listening and Observing as a Coach

One day I found myself explaining the phases of the moon to a child. We were sitting in front of the computer at night and I got an idea. I turned off the lights in the room, leaving the monitor glowing in front of us. I told the child to imagine that the monitor was the sun and that he was the earth. I became the moon and orbited around him. I told him to observe how the light changed across my face as I circled him. I was a full moon when he was between me and the monitor. I was a half moon when I was to the left or right of him. He loved the demonstration!

An experienced coach knows the common pitfalls and sources of confusion in his area of expertise. He asks good questions and listens or observes so he can determine where his help might be needed. An experienced coach then knows good ways to explain his subject. It may be a tip. It may be a live demonstration. A good coach is constantly trying to come up with better examples, analogies and metaphors.

What is listening?

What is listening? What does it mean to listen to someone else? The question seems simple, but the answer is actually quite complicated. Here are some ways we listen, together with some of the characteristics:

• listen to your mother or boss (obey, maybe grudgingly)
• listen to your ipod (casually or really immersed in it)
• listen to a rock concert (lots of physical involvement throughout)
• listen to a classical music concert (stay quiet until the end, then clap)
• listen to a customer (gather feedback, gather requirements, diffuse complaint)
• listen to an angry spouse (you're often more interested in fighting back than anything else)
• listen to someone asking for directions or instructions (the focus is on the solution)
• listen to a good friend who just lost his job (the focus is on helping, comforting, or just listening to your friend)

When you listen to your spouse, do you just give her part of your attention, like when you're listening to your ipod? When your small child comes home jumping up and down about winning the soccer game, do you listen as if you're at a rock concert or classical music concert?

How else can we listen?

The Truth About Listening Techniques

Listening techniques are only part of the equation. The best way to think about it is to compare it to movies. Good costumes and special effects alone don’t make a good movie. Good paraphrasing, questions, body language mirroring, etc. alone do not make for good listening. However, if you learn movie making, you have to learn the basics. Not only that, you have to understand how the visual techniques impact the emotional tone of the movie. Movie techniques have to serve the story. Listening techniques have to serve the speaker’s need to tell his story.

If a movie is filled with special effects but has no coherent story, we don't like it. If you keep nodding and saying, "I understand," but you don't appreciate what the speaker is saying, then people will soon figure out that you're just going through the motions.

Author John Barth once said, “My feeling about technique in art is that it has about the same value as technique in lovemaking. Heartfelt ineptitude has its appeal and so does heartless skill, but what you want is passionate virtuosity.”

Listening Resources

Listening in the News

The New York Times, Sep 22, 2011
A $42 Million Gift Aims at Improving Bedside Manner

Los Angeles Times, Jul 7, 2011
Hey, doc, are you listening?

The New York Times, Mar 12, 2011
Google’s Quest to Build a Better Boss

Forbes, Jul 9, 2009
Learning The Art Of Listening

National Public Radio, Feb 1, 2009
Listening Is Powerful Medicine


Books


"Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition", by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler
"How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk", by Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish
"Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone", by Mark Goulston M.D.
"Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life", by Marshall B. Rosenberg
"The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense", by Suzette Haden Elgin


Links

Psychology Today
For those of you who don't know, there are videos of Carl Rogers in action on youtube. Just do a search for "Carl Rogers Gloria" and you'll find it.

Is Stephen Cobert an Effective Listener?

While Stephen Cobert's character may not be someone you would turn to for empathy and understanding, he is a very effective listener! The host of Comedy Central's The Colbert Report (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Colbert_Report) often interviews authors and celebrities on his show. During interviews, however, he interrupts his guests, and he exaggerates and twists their comments to outrageous extremes.
So why would I say Cobert is a very effective listener? Because he hosts a comedy show and he is funny! He does his prep work so that he can often begin the interview with a humorous attack. He listens carefully to his guests' arguments so that he can twist it into something funny. His guests may not always be able to make their points, but Cobert often gets the last laugh.
You may be a very effective listener, in that you are very effective in achieving your conversation goals. Your goals may be humor, to solve problems, to act like a boss who always appears confident with an answer, or to correct a child who is always screwing up. However, what is the other person's goal? Do they want a good laugh from a zinger? Do they want to be told what to do? Are they looking to be assured that you're confident and always have an answer? Do they want to be reprimanded? What if they just want to be heard? What if they just need a little guidance? What if they want help to fix something? How would you listen then?