I once had to go to Washington D.C. to take care of some offical business. So one day, during the summer, I gathered all my documents, asked for a day off work, and headed for the capitol.
A few hours later, I arrived and stepped into the government office. Like many government offices, it was filled with all kinds of people. The people there all had a blank, indifferent look on their faces. It was as if all their futures were going to be decided that afternoon.
At the end of the waiting room was a woman. She sat behind a desk. Behind her were some tall cubicles and offices. It looked like she was put there to keep an eye on the anxious people. I gathered my paper work and walked up to her. I had with me a letter instructing me to present myself at the agency to talk to one of the officers. I laid down the letter in front of her and started to ask her how I should proceed. But she stopped me before I could finish. Without looking up, she turned my letter back at me and pointed sharply at the bottom part of it. I hesitated, and failing to see what she was pointing at, I repeated my request. She stabbed at the bottom part of my letter a few more times. I stood there in confusion. Finally she picked up my letter and showed me a sentence which read, “Please bring your paperwork to the office, Monday to Friday, except Wednesday afternoons.”
I had of course chosen a Wednesday afternoon to make my visit! I muttered something about taking only one day off work and not having a place to stay for the evening. She stared at me coldly in the awkward silence that followed. In desperation I said, “Can you make an exception please?”
The moment I said it, I regretted it, because she raised her voice and said, “No exceptions!” Then she went on about the rules and how she would have to make exceptions for everyone else in the room. It was as if all her training as a civil servant consisted of denying exceptions.
I turned around and looked at the other people in the waiting room. Their expressions had not changed at all. I was humiliated. She had me. It was clearly my mistake. I walked out to the elevator lobby and wondered how I could have been so stupid and not read the instructions completely. I waited for the elevator, not sure what I was going to do next.
I decided to try again, since I had nothing to lose. I went back into the office and walked up to the lady’s desk. I said to her in a calm voice, “I know it is my mistake, I know I’m not supposed to be here today. But it would…” I hesitated as I thought about what I wanted to say. “It would make things a lot easier for me if I could do this today.”
She went away for a moment. When she came back, she said that the officer would see me. I had my interview, which consisted of some very routine questions. In a few minutes, it was all done. I walked back out to the waiting room. I was still angry that the woman had given me such a hard time earlier. But I decided to swallow my anger. I turned towards her and said, “Thank you,” and left the room.
I stood there waiting for the elevator again, but this time I was relieved that I got everything done and I could head back home. Suddenly the lady came out to the lobby and said, “I didn’t want to stop you earlier. It was the officer who didn’t want to see you.” I thanked her again and she went back into the office.
What is the moral of the story? A lot of times when we need something, we do a poor job of explaining why we need the assistance. Without any justification, our requests sound more like orders and demands. Or we come across arbitary, bereaucratic, and inconvenient rules that push our patience to the limit. We question the fairness and necessity of those silly rules and we try to bully our way through them. When we do this, we are actually taking the other person for granted, or forcing them to defend those silly rules. We do it all the time: at work, at home, everywhere! Instead, another approach is to first acknowledge that we are the ones that have a need, or acknowledge that we screwed up, if that is the case. Once we have done that, then we can ask for assistance. Instead of commanding people or forcing people to defend their positions, appeal to their desire to help. And when everything is done, thank them, because you never know, they just might come after you to thank you for being gracious.
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