How to be a Great Conversationalist

Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours.

Benjamin Disraeli

Sometimes when someone says they have had a great conversation with you, it means you have allowed or encouraged them to talk about one of their passions (or concerns). For example, suppose you met someone at a party and the subject of photography (or the economic stimulus plan or global warming, etc.) came up. You may sense that they are holding back their thoughts or feelings on the subject. Perhaps they are making the general (and sometimes correct) assumption that you would not be interested in talking about cameras costing over $1000, and they wish to be polite and not bore you. But if you happen to know a little about the subject, you can actually actively encourage the other person to share their knowledge and passion. If you respond by saying, "Oh, yes, the latest digital SLR cameras are getting better and better, aren't they?" you are actually letting the other person know that it is ok to get more in depth on the subject with you. If they do not take the bait, that is fine too. But if you eventually manage to get them to show you their most favorite pictures and talk about all the photographic equipment they have ever owned, then you have definitely succeeded in being a great conversationalist!

wikiHow: How to Be a Good Listener

I just found a post via Lifehacker called How to Be a Good Listener. The article has some very good points. What I would like to add is that if your goal in listening is to provide some form of emotional support or encouragement, then you have to be emotionally engaged. I do not mean you have to fall in love with the other person, but you have to be at least somewhat concerned that the person is upset. Let that concern or consideration for the other person drive your actions and questions. If you honestly do not feel any sympathy for the other person (and there may be perfectly good reasons for this), then you will very naturally find yourself looking at your watch, interrupting the other person, and generally doing everything you can to make them stop talking. 

The Art of Fiction by John Gardner

I first encountered John Gardner's "The Art of Fiction: Notes on Craft for Young Writers" in a creative writing course in college. This little book is single-handedly responsible for helping me appreciate the amount of work and skill that goes into fiction, and for expanding what I thought of as art. When I first signed up for the creative writing class, I thought that writing was easy. But my arrogant naivety was quickly dispelled by this book. 

Anybody can pick up a pen, a still or video camera, or a basketball. But that doesn't automatically make you an Earnest Hemmingway, an Ansel Adams, a Steven Spielberg, or a Michael Jordan. If only! Any human endeavor with richness and variety will have its master artists. And it will always take ability and lots of practice to reach that level. 

The tone of Gardner's book was firmly in the back of my mind as I wrote my own The Art of Listening. I wanted my writing to be as authoritative and full of useful advice as his. I even stole his title! For anyone who is interested in writing or arts, I strongly recommend you check out his book: