Do
Make it about the other person
Acknowledge the frustration
Listen with critical compassion
Support and encourage
Be available and follow up
Don't
Get frustrated
Invalidate feelings
Listen with critical compassion
Support and encourage
Be available and follow up
Don't
Get frustrated
Invalidate feelings
Forget the trust placed in you
Forget to practice
Once you are in the right frame of mind, then the next step is to acknowledge the frustration. I have seen my mother let other people vent on and on simply by saying, "Uh-huh," to them periodically. Sometimes that is all you need. Other times, you need to do more. One good way to acknowledge your friend's feelings is to state them back to her in your own words. Other times, you need to list all the troubles your friend is facing. Perhaps your friend has been in a dead-end job for years and struggles each month just to pay the bills, and has just been diagnosed with a serious illness. This summarization of all the outstanding issues helps your friend realize that she may have very valid reasons for feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed.
The third item in my do list is what I call "critical compassion". Think of this as similar to critical thinking. Here, you start thinking critically about what your friend is saying and use questions to guide the conversation. The questions are posed in a kind and helpful manner (hence the word compassion). They are used to understand the situation at hand, not to find fault or discredit. The questions will not only help you piece things together, but can also help your friend discover hidden assumptions, and maybe even admit to certain unpleasant facts. These questions can follow a logical sequence, and are often variations of the following: "Do you feel frustrated or angry about something?" "What exactly is that something?" "Why do you feel that way?" "Do you feel you deserve something (attention, love, freedom, money, power, etc.) that you are not getting?" "Do you think your expectations are realistic given the circumstances?" "Has the situation been improving or staying the same or getting worse?" "What have you done to change the situation?" Again, the purpose is not to question your friend's feelings, but rather, to understand the reasoning and the context surrounding those feelings. And don't be afraid to ask for clarification if something does not add up.
Once your friend has gained a better understanding of why things have turned out the way they did, then it is time to begin looking at what to do next. Remind your friend of her strengths. Help her think of creative options to solve or get around the issues. If possible, keep things positive by trying to look forward towards a better outcome, as opposed to just cutting or minimizing lost. For example, look for better career or relationship options, as opposed to just blindly escaping from a lousy job or marriage and rushing into whatever else is available. Most importantly, encourage your friend to find her own solutions. Ultimately, it is her life and her decision and her responsibility.
Finally, the last thing you want to make sure you do is to be available and follow up. Think of yourself as a good salesperson. Until the issues have been resolved (the sale is closed or the contract signed), you should try to be available to your friend. If your friend does not update you on the situation, try to gently inquire about the current status. The point is not to micromanage your friend's progress, but to let her know that her progress is worthy of your and hence her attention.
Now that we have seen some of the things we should do while listening, let us look at some of the things we should try to avoid. Even though listening is first and foremost about helping your friend, you must make sure you do not get frustrated in the process. Your friend's situation itself may be very frustrating or difficult. Perhaps you are dealing with an abused spouse with little financial independence. Your friend may not be willing or able to receive assistance. Perhaps it is a substance abuse case that has not hit rock bottom yet. You yourself may be tired or unsure about what to do. There are many, many valid reasons why you may not be able to help your friend. The wisest thing to do in this case is to back off. If possible, encourage your friend to talk to another trusted friend or seek professional help.
Another key thing to remember is not to invalidate your friend's feelings. It usually happens unintentionally, and therefore can occur more often than we realize. Remember earlier when I compared listening to helping a friend with a heavy load? You can really annoy your friend if you offer her a hiking pole or a bigger back pack and expect her to get up, be happy, and keep soldiering on. Sure, your material assistance can help your friend physically, but it does not alleviate the original problem or acknowledge the hardship that your friend is going through. Such a gesture can sometimes feel like a slap in the face. This by the way is also the reason why women sometimes complain that men do not listen. The solutions offered tend to be dismissive of the underlying problems and feelings. The quick suggestions tend to imply that the other person has not tried hard enough. Bottom line, be sensitive and mindful of the difficulties your friend is going through, and do not invalidate her feelings.
By confiding in you, your friend has placed a lot of trust in you. That trust can easily be lost through a number of careless actions. You must refrain from discussing your friend's issues with anybody else. You must not think that your friend's situation is hopeless (you have to hand things over to the professionals before it ever gets to this point). Do not pry; your friend's issues are not juicy pieces of gossip to be uncovered.
Finally, like most things in life, improving your listening skills is a matter of practice. This point alone is probably the main reason why there are not as many good listeners as there could be. Try a few of this article's suggestions at first. Think about the last time you made a friend feel better and see if you can figure out why it worked. When you find something that works, remember it and use it again. You can even try some of these things on yourself. The next time you feel angry, do not get blinded by the emotion. Take a step back and acknowledge how you feel. Then ask yourself why you feel that way. Try to come to terms with how you got yourself into the situation. Then look for a positive way out. As you practice, these things will become more and more natural. As you practice, it will become easier to show your genuine concern for your friend's well-being, and your confidence in her ability to overcome any momentary setbacks. Happy listening!
Forget to practice
Right from the beginning, listening is about the other person's needs. As a listener, you have to try to subsume your biases, your desire to be heard, your desire to be right, or any impatience on your part. The goal is to help your friend, not to satisfy your curiosity, your need for closure (even from unanswered questions brought up by your friend), or to affirm your own need for justice and fairness. You are performing the emotional equivalent of helping a friend get up from the burden of a heavy load. It is with this humble, helpful mindset that the magic of listening happens.
Once you are in the right frame of mind, then the next step is to acknowledge the frustration. I have seen my mother let other people vent on and on simply by saying, "Uh-huh," to them periodically. Sometimes that is all you need. Other times, you need to do more. One good way to acknowledge your friend's feelings is to state them back to her in your own words. Other times, you need to list all the troubles your friend is facing. Perhaps your friend has been in a dead-end job for years and struggles each month just to pay the bills, and has just been diagnosed with a serious illness. This summarization of all the outstanding issues helps your friend realize that she may have very valid reasons for feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed.
The third item in my do list is what I call "critical compassion". Think of this as similar to critical thinking. Here, you start thinking critically about what your friend is saying and use questions to guide the conversation. The questions are posed in a kind and helpful manner (hence the word compassion). They are used to understand the situation at hand, not to find fault or discredit. The questions will not only help you piece things together, but can also help your friend discover hidden assumptions, and maybe even admit to certain unpleasant facts. These questions can follow a logical sequence, and are often variations of the following: "Do you feel frustrated or angry about something?" "What exactly is that something?" "Why do you feel that way?" "Do you feel you deserve something (attention, love, freedom, money, power, etc.) that you are not getting?" "Do you think your expectations are realistic given the circumstances?" "Has the situation been improving or staying the same or getting worse?" "What have you done to change the situation?" Again, the purpose is not to question your friend's feelings, but rather, to understand the reasoning and the context surrounding those feelings. And don't be afraid to ask for clarification if something does not add up.
By encouraging your friend to describe her situation as a whole, we act as a sounding board. By deliberately asking for clarification on key elements of the story, we help our friend see and talk through the entire situation in a more comprehensive, logical and perhaps even objective fashion. A lot of times, this process alone will help your friend figure out what she needs to do. Sometimes your friend will even stop in the middle and thank you for helping to clear things up, while you are still wondering what the whole fuss was about.
Once your friend has gained a better understanding of why things have turned out the way they did, then it is time to begin looking at what to do next. Remind your friend of her strengths. Help her think of creative options to solve or get around the issues. If possible, keep things positive by trying to look forward towards a better outcome, as opposed to just cutting or minimizing lost. For example, look for better career or relationship options, as opposed to just blindly escaping from a lousy job or marriage and rushing into whatever else is available. Most importantly, encourage your friend to find her own solutions. Ultimately, it is her life and her decision and her responsibility.
Finally, the last thing you want to make sure you do is to be available and follow up. Think of yourself as a good salesperson. Until the issues have been resolved (the sale is closed or the contract signed), you should try to be available to your friend. If your friend does not update you on the situation, try to gently inquire about the current status. The point is not to micromanage your friend's progress, but to let her know that her progress is worthy of your and hence her attention.
Now that we have seen some of the things we should do while listening, let us look at some of the things we should try to avoid. Even though listening is first and foremost about helping your friend, you must make sure you do not get frustrated in the process. Your friend's situation itself may be very frustrating or difficult. Perhaps you are dealing with an abused spouse with little financial independence. Your friend may not be willing or able to receive assistance. Perhaps it is a substance abuse case that has not hit rock bottom yet. You yourself may be tired or unsure about what to do. There are many, many valid reasons why you may not be able to help your friend. The wisest thing to do in this case is to back off. If possible, encourage your friend to talk to another trusted friend or seek professional help.
Another key thing to remember is not to invalidate your friend's feelings. It usually happens unintentionally, and therefore can occur more often than we realize. Remember earlier when I compared listening to helping a friend with a heavy load? You can really annoy your friend if you offer her a hiking pole or a bigger back pack and expect her to get up, be happy, and keep soldiering on. Sure, your material assistance can help your friend physically, but it does not alleviate the original problem or acknowledge the hardship that your friend is going through. Such a gesture can sometimes feel like a slap in the face. This by the way is also the reason why women sometimes complain that men do not listen. The solutions offered tend to be dismissive of the underlying problems and feelings. The quick suggestions tend to imply that the other person has not tried hard enough. Bottom line, be sensitive and mindful of the difficulties your friend is going through, and do not invalidate her feelings.
While some people offer solutions, others offer their own stories. Sometimes the intent is to share, or bond. But again, the person already carrying the weight of the world does not usually want to hear how you just got through your divorce and got both the house and the dog. Now is not the time to declare triumph over your evil ex or to unload the latest troubles with your co-workers. The time to share is when there is a natural pause in the conversation. Wait for your friend to work through their immediate frustrations and fears, then share your stories to make revelations less one-sided.
By confiding in you, your friend has placed a lot of trust in you. That trust can easily be lost through a number of careless actions. You must refrain from discussing your friend's issues with anybody else. You must not think that your friend's situation is hopeless (you have to hand things over to the professionals before it ever gets to this point). Do not pry; your friend's issues are not juicy pieces of gossip to be uncovered.
Finally, like most things in life, improving your listening skills is a matter of practice. This point alone is probably the main reason why there are not as many good listeners as there could be. Try a few of this article's suggestions at first. Think about the last time you made a friend feel better and see if you can figure out why it worked. When you find something that works, remember it and use it again. You can even try some of these things on yourself. The next time you feel angry, do not get blinded by the emotion. Take a step back and acknowledge how you feel. Then ask yourself why you feel that way. Try to come to terms with how you got yourself into the situation. Then look for a positive way out. As you practice, these things will become more and more natural. As you practice, it will become easier to show your genuine concern for your friend's well-being, and your confidence in her ability to overcome any momentary setbacks. Happy listening!
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