The Wacky World of Technical Support

Welcome to the wacky world of technical support, where the inadequately trained meet the cronically frustrated. It is a game of charades played over a telephone. The users get multiple chances to describe in their own non-technical words what computer problems they are experiencing. The technical support people have to guess what the actual error is, find a solution to fix it, and help the user correct the problem by giving them verbal instructions alone (foreign accent optional). The rules are simple:

• users are allowed to use technical terms but are not required to be accurate in their usage;
  
• users are allowed to lie and provide incorrect information;
  
• users are allowed to omit information that may be necessary to fix the problem;
  
• users may act confused, annoyed, frustrated, demanding, and indifferent, not necessarily in that order;

• technical support may use technical terms that users do not understand;
  
• technical support may act rude, condescending, amused, indifferent, insincere, confused, or even calm, courteous, and polite. Again, not necessarily in that particular order;
  
• technical support may allow the telephone to ring indefinitely;
  
• technical support may put the user on hold at any time and for as long as they wish.
  

In additional to the rules above, here are additional explanations of commonly used expressions to help everyone enjoy the game and get the most fun out of it.

What the users say and what they actually mean:

They Say	They Mean
"I didn't do anything!"	"I did something stupid but I'm never going to tell you because then you'll know I'm insane!"
"It was working before!"	"I did something stupid but I want you to fix it without me telling you what I did."
"My computer's broken."	"I just had a coffee break ten minutes ago and I'm bored now and I want to play twenty questions."
"My computer's broken."	The mouse doesn't work, or the keyboard doesn't work, or the monitor has no power, or the computer has no power, or an icon is missing, or a program is not responding, or I can't open the cool electronic greeting card my friend just sent me.
"My password doesn't work."	"I tried my dog's name, my spouse's name, my own name, and it still doesn't work!"
"I don't have time for this! Can you send someone over right now?"	"I'm tired of abusing you over the phone and I want to abuse someone in person."
"Let me speak to your manager!"	"Apparently I can't get you to comply with my unreasonable requests so I'll try to bully your manager instead."
"I need this fixed right now!"	"I hate computers and I wish they never happened!"

 

What Technical Support says and what they actually mean:

They Say	They Mean
"Try turning your machine off and back on again."	"I get paid to tell you to press a button while you sweat on a report that was due yesterday."
"That's okay, we see that problem a lot."	"I have never seen anyone do anything so stupid before but I don’t want to say that to your face because I don't want to hurt your feelings."
"I don't see anything wrong."	"You are lying to me and I will prove it to you!"
"Customer support. How can I help you?"	"What have you done this time?"
"I'll call you back when we find out what's wrong."	"We know it's your fault but management wants us to give you the impression that we care about customer service so we'll just wait for a few days and then call you up and tell you that we performed extensive tests and determined that it was your fault."
"Can I put you on hold for a moment?"	"What you have described to me is so incredible and so funny that I have to go tell everyone about it. I'll continue our conversation when I'm done laughing."
"Sometimes bad things happen to good people."	"Someone who actually knows what they're doing can probably solve your problem in two minutes … but that person isn't me."
"Relax! We'll get to it."	"I don't care what deadline you have, I'm going for my coffee-break."
“My shift ends in 5 minutes.”	“Good luck, pal!”

 

What the computer says and what it actually means:

Computer Says	It Means
"The previous shutdown was unexpected"	“That one really caught us by surprise!”
"Illegal operation"	“Freeze! You’re under arrest!”
“A problem has been detected and Windows has been shut down to prevent damage to your computer. STOP:0x00000050”	“I don’t mind if you run viruses and expose your personal information on the web, but THIS I’ve got to stop.”
“Kernel panic”	There is a little piece of corn inside your computer and it is rather frightened about something.